trunt

Prior to my stay in the xenochamber of krallak, i had created a dashing escape plan to unhinge the jaws of #1010001000. I hand crafted a blade made of two things... spacetime...and jerky. with this mighty blade, i cut a time vagina that lead directly to z00ess. unfortunately after i entered i was thrown sideways through another path that i had not seen from outside. the only thing left for me to do was eat my jerky sword and hang on. but mostly eat the jerky sword, cause it was so damn tasty.

in a 1997 chevrolet impala i wake to find myself overlooking the city of rio. peaceful and beautiful. with the exception of the volcanic eruption and enormous yak peering at me from the side of a building near the bay. there was no-one in the world that could tell me why i was there. the only thing i could say was, "you gave me life... now.. show me.. how.. to live."

i have materialized on the internet

i had traveled long and far. my jerky truck had taken me to the base of mount everest. in order to leave no mountain peak un-searched i climbed it. at the top of the mountain i found no sign of eternal rafftimus. but what i did find was that the mountain next to mount everest was actually taller than it. strange.. but true. i don't see how so many people could have climbed mount everest and been dumb enough not to see the mountain next to it. but oh well. i climbed the mountain.. looked around... and when i turned around.. right.. behind me... the hideous combination of optimus prime the transformer and raphael the ninja turtle that has been and will be around for eternity. ETERNAL RAFFTIMUS!!!!!! i quickly reached for jerky but before i could reach far enough it had thrown me off the mountain with such force i traveled around the world twice before face planting and dying.

the search had ended.

after another event-less week of my quest, i stumbled upon the most exciting thing yet. in a town called New Jamerland, there was an annual Monster-Truck Slam being held. The point of the event was to see who could crush the most repossesed cars using a monster truck that didn't run on fossil fuels. Immediately i was interested and i rented a monster truck and began working on a new type of engine. Of course, i decided to use the item that i had the most of... jerky. i used the car's heater systems to cook the jerky on a hot flat surface, but i slanted it so that the hot grease would pour into a tub. This tub produced heat which was converted into electricity and then powered an electric motor. To my surprise, the jerky truck out-performed the opponents, which ran on anything from radio waves to small animals. i smashed over 20 repossesed cars and won the nobel prize for the ground-breaking jerky engine. thus i used what jerky i had left to drive my truck onward through my quest for eternal rafftimus.

the snake's grip tightened around my body, and just as i took in my last gasp of air i got a brilliant idea! i could distract the snake using my remote control operated Jerky RC Car. It was contolled by a small controller i had in my pocket. and i could still reach it! i quickly drove the car in circles until the unresistable jerky scent reached the snakes nostrils. the snake's mind was instantly tantalized and he loosened his grip. as he began to slither after my jerky RC car, i steered it into a pit of fire and the snake followed it in. that night, i had snake jerky for dinner, and kept some of it in my hiking backpack. the next day i woke up and continued on my quest for eternal rafftimus.

continuing on my quest, i decided to take a break and have a snack. and what better snack to eat, than beef jerky strips. mmm were they tasty. i was just about done with my snack when all of the sudden i was rudely interrupted by an enormous south african bungle snake. it slithered around me and i tried to hold still. maybe if i played dead it wouldnt attack. unfortunately, this time around the jerky strips wouldn't be the solution to my problems, they would be the cause of my problems. you see, i had been eating jerky and i still smelled like it. so the snake thought i was a piece of beef. and it began to constrict its large body around me. it got harder and harder to beathe each second. this could be the end of my quest for eternal rafftimus..

when i last left my journal i was face to face with the robotic baby border police. yes this fight proved to be thrilling. the baby's heads opened up and large lazer cannon barrels extended from the openings. dodging the lazers took skill, and avoiding constant lazer fire drained me of the little energy i had remaining. but just then i had a stroke of genius! i still had some jerky in my backpack!! so i threw one strip into each of the cannon barrels! this caused a chain reaction when the babies tried firing their cannons. all of the babies went up in flames and i jumped past them, continuing on my quest for eternal rafftimus...

quite frankly, after you have just gotten in a fight with cheeblers, you don't feel like doing anything else for a long time. sadly, i never got a chance to rest before the next exciting chapter in my quest for eternal rafftimus began. it all started when i was traveling through a slightly wooded area of oklahoma and i saw a small red light flash in the corner of my eye. i stopped for a moment and looked around to see what it was. but then i continued on-ward and thought nothing of it. sadly, it doesn't end there. about every five steps i took there was another flash. by now i was in a panic and nearly wet my pants dashing through the forest to find where the forest ended. yet, the end of the forest was the last place i needed to be. because when i arrived there i was stopped by the forest's robotic infant border police. there was no doubt in my mind that small robotic babies was twice as scary as a pack of cheeblers. the shiny, oversized heads and metal diapers were enough to frighten me beyond what i thought was possible. this would prove to be an interesting segment of my quest for eternal rafftimus...

when i last wrote in my journal i was trapped in a vortex formed by the swift moving cheeblers. as near as i could tell this was the end. there was no way i could stop a swarm of cheeblers once they had gone into the vortex maneuver.. it was nearly impossible to slow them down. but just as i was preparing for the worst, i remembered, i still had two large strips of jerky left in my hiking backpack! i quickly strapped the peices together with a sturdy hunk of duct tape to form... the jerky sword!! using this sword i may have a chance at batting away the cheeblers. i swung my sword as hard as i possibly could and slammed a few of the cheeblers into the walls of the cave. this made me a small gap in the vortex that i leaped through, just as the cheeblers closed their vortex and slammed into eachother at such high speeds that all that was left of them was a bloody spray throughout the cave. tattered, i left the cave and continued on my quest for eternal rafftimus.

upon leaving the locale that the dillos were feasting on jerky strips, i became tired due to the many days spent under the blazing sun. stumbling accross the heated plains of texas i finally reached an area where i could rest in the shade. little did i know that the area i had chosen was inhabited by small creatures. creatures that i had not seen before. they were short and spoke to one another using a system of squeeks and squacks. i was afraid that they had evil intentions and i tried to escape their haunted cave. only to be stopped by a swarm of the tiny creatures. i began to call them cheeblers, because they had large cheeks (chee) and when they ran they were so fast they appeared as blurs (blers). the cheeblers were scary and i cannot describe their appearance in words. so you must use your imagination to get a mental image of how horrifying it was to be surrounded by a swarm of hungry cheeblers. i attempted the same trick i had previously used against the armadillos. however, cheeblers weren't attracted to the juicy strips of jerky i had remaining in my backpack. in fact, tossing jerky at the creatures only fueled their rage. they began circling me at intense speeds, trapping me in a vortex of cheebler. the events that unfold after this can only be found in the next exciting chapter of my quest for eternal rafftimus.

upon several occasions, i found myself face to face with an armadillo. yes indeed armadillos are very peculiar beasts. their bald heads and hard backs make them a very difficult foe. luckily, all of the dillos were only interested in the beef jerky i had stored in my hiking backpack. so i simply gave each dillo a strip and continued upon my quest for eternal rafftimus.